If you’re caring for someone with dementia, you’ve probably heard it more times than you can count:

“Whatever you need, just let me know.”

On the surface, it sounds comforting. Like people are ready to jump in, ready to support you. But the truth? “Whatever you need” often translates into nothing at all. And caregivers are left feeling stranded, overwhelmed, and more alone than ever.

Let’s talk about why this happens, what you can do differently, and how to finally get the support you deserve.

Why "Whatever You Need" Actually Means Nothing

Here’s the problem: “whatever you need” is too big, too vague, and it puts all the responsibility back on you.

You’re already juggling medications, doctor appointments, and unpredictable behaviors. And now you’re supposed to figure out exactly what to ask for, who to ask, and when? It’s exhausting before you even start.

So instead of asking, you smile politely and say, “Thanks, I’m fine.” And the cycle continues.

The Emotional Labor of Asking for Help

It’s not just about tasks, it’s about the weight of having to coordinate and delegate.

You’re thinking:

• “I need someone to sit with Dad while I shower.”
  

• “I need someone to pick up prescriptions.”
  

• “I need someone to just understand that I’m falling apart.”
  

But when you say it out loud, it feels overwhelming, even to you. So you hold it in. And the longer you go without help, the heavier the load gets.

The Magic of the Specific Ask

Here’s what I’ve learned: people can’t help with your chaos, but they can help with your Tuesday.

Instead of saying, “I need help with Mom,” try:

“Mom has a doctor’s appointment next Tuesday at 2 PM. Could you drive her there, or stay with her while I take her? It would take about two hours of your time.”

See the difference? That’s something concrete. They can check their calendar and give you a real yes or no.

Specific requests make it easy for people to show up.

Create Your Own "Help Menu"

This is one of my favorite tools: the Help Menu.

Take 20 minutes (when you’re not in crisis mode) and jot down the tasks that would make the biggest difference in your week. Keep them small, specific, and clear.

Examples:

• Grocery shopping on Sundays (here’s the list I always use).
  

• Sitting with Dad from 6–8 PM so I can make dinner for my kids.
  

• Picking up prescriptions from the Oak Street pharmacy.
  

• Taking Mom to her hair appointment every six weeks.
  

That way, when someone says, “What can I do?” you’re ready. You can even offer choices:

“Here are three things that would help me this month. Pick whichever one works best for your schedule.”

This gives them ownership and gives you relief.

Facing the Guilt

I know what you might be thinking: “I can’t ask my sister, she’s busy. She has her own family.”

Here’s what I want you to hear: everyone is busy. But most people have an hour here or twenty minutes there they could give to something that matters.

And your caregiving? It matters.

When you try to do it all yourself, burnout comes fast. And when you’re burned out, no one gets good care.

Make It Easy to Say Yes

The more details you give, the easier it is for someone to help.

Instead of: “Can you take Mom to the doctor?”
Try: “Mom has an appointment next Tuesday at 2 at the medical center on Main Street. I’ll have her ready. I’ll text you the doctor’s name and any questions. It usually takes about two hours. Would that work for you?”

Now, they know exactly what they’re signing up for. And if they can’t, they might counter with another time or task. Either way, you’re closer to actual help.

Asking for Help is Connection, Not Charity

Here’s something beautiful I’ve seen over and over: when you ask specifically, you’re not just easing your load, you’re giving others a way to connect with your loved one.

That sibling who’s felt guilty for not doing more? Now they can. That neighbor who said, “Let me know,” but never followed through? Now they know exactly what to do.

Your loved one benefits. You breathe easier. And your circle of care grows stronger.

Final Thoughts

You don’t have to carry this alone. The people who love you want to help. they just need you to show them how.

So this week, try this:

• Write down 5 things for your Help Menu.
  

• Share one specific request with one person.
  

• Notice how much lighter you feel, even from a single “yes.”
  

Asking for help isn’t selfish. It’s how we build circles of care that work.

What’s one specific way someone could help you this week? Leave a comment below. Sometimes just saying it out loud makes it feel possible.

💜 Caring for you while you care for them.